This is it, folks. We’ve sat through the countless myriads of political ads, we’ve done our research, we’ve engaged in pointless and ineffective Facebook arguments in defense of our chosen candidates. The primaries are long since forgotten, the campaign money has been spent, and the debates are over.
We’re left with three candidates. Three? Yes, three. The two-party system is playing us these days, anyway, and frankly, the frontrunners are all evenly tied. There’s an even split between the Ford Mustang, Chevy Camaro, and Dodge Challenger.
This is your ballot, America. Educate yourself and cast your vote today!
Hailing from the tight knit community of Flat Rock, Michigan, the Mustang has been known and loved for its old fashioned values and frequent allusions to Reagan-era 5.0 V8s, though if elected, it promises to stay with the times, implementing independent rear suspensions and even turbocharged 4-cylinders in 2015. This may cost it some favor with hardline conservatives, though the Mustang’s advisors have predicted new support from the environmental crowd for the EcoBoost turbo.
The Mustang faced a major challenge when its recent MyFordTouch legislation failed miserably in both the house and senate, costing it key points in battleground states. Yet it has not been known as a flip-flopper, and has attempted to placate voters in tough states like California with its Laguna Seca and California Special editions.
It has been called the most fiscally conservative of the three candidates, and though the most upper-class of its many special editions are still far out of the range of the average plumber or teacher, its base and GT models have inspired hope in the middle-class.
A true celebrity candidate, the Camaro has starred in some of the biggest movies of the decade, instantly endearing itself to male voters in the 18-30 age range. Yet the Camaro has nonetheless been successful with previous legislation, reaching across the aisle to perform in both straight lines and even rolling up its sleeves to participate in the controversial world of Grand Am racing. From its styling to its new suspension technology, the Camaro isn’t one to shy away from progressive policy.
Critics have been quick to point out that several of the Camaro’s promises, namely its stick on carbon fiber racing stripes, are lip service and unlikely to pan out after the election. This week Donald Trump also made public that the Camaro spent much of its childhood in Canada, challenging its patriotism, though pundits have been noticeably silent on the Mustang’s Chinese transmission and the Challenger’s similar Canadian upbringing.
Its foreign policy has been brash, as it recently traveled with its ZL1 version to the Nurburgring to foster US-German relations, but ended up setting some track records with its Cadillac committee, creating an embarrassing snafu for the German people and creating tension between the two governments.
Though largely silent for several decades, the Challenger has roared to a comeback in the polls, stymied by a round of clever ads and supported by a die-hard online base of grassroots supporters. And it looks the part of Commander-in-Chief, large and commanding, clean-cut professional. Even its deep voice is stirring and has been said to inspire confidence and hope.
It has been known for its hardball stance on anti-cornering legislation, insisting that straight line speed and momentum make up the best strategy for the nation. It has even fired advisors over this issue, refusing to back down and turn when the road runs out. Supporters have called this courageous, while opponents tag it as destructive and dangerous.
They’ve also gone after the Challenger’s interior life, indicating cheap plastic and even accusing a bias toward the automatic transmission. Yet the Challenger has parried, saying that these are personal, family matters, and only published to deflect questions about its opponents’ styling, outdated in the Mustang’s case and impractical in the Camaro’s. It went a step further to state that it looks forward to a day when automatic transmissions will be as accepted in performance cars, even as manual transmissions are today. “Europe has made huge strides in this area, and it is one in which America is following, rather than leading.”
The ballot is simple. No hanging chads or confusing, laminated books. Just submit your vote in the comments below. We’ll be tracking the polls and will report the winner when all districts have reported in.