Because this is America, because we’re free to exercise our right to exercise, and because in 1938, the Salvation Army saw fit to honor the women who served doughnuts to soldiers during WWI, today is National Doughnut Day. If you have a problem with this, I can direct you to the nearest coastline or border.
Now, to celebrate, I could show you footage of all the best kinds of bacon-maple/jelly filled/long john doughnuts in the world, but you’re probably stuck at your desk, and I’d like to retain your friendship, so I’ll show you my top ten donuts instead. Yes, drop out the “ugh” and you have donuts, one of the coolest ways to destroy a pair of rear tires. Black, smokey, and stinking of burning rubber, donuts are the culinary opposite of doughnuts, but they’re the same shape, and they’re just as awesome.
10. “A” donut becomes a half-box. Donuts are like doughnuts. Once you do one, you’ll want more. A shiny, yellow ’69 Camaro will only encourage the habit. It’s a good itch.
9. Hooning before there was Youtube. Nor was this Chevy’s first foray into donut-laden hoon-fests. Here we have a hoodless, fenderless Chevy Business Coupe who can’t quite manage to pull a whole donut, followed at 3:45 by a handful of other ‘50s Chevys who can, thanks to the snow. Proto-donuts, perhaps. Protdonuts. Pronuts. Moving on.
8. I never liked that floor anyway. I suppose if you can afford a beautiful AC Cobra, you can afford a new hardwood floor. Maybe he was planning to cover the replacement with the Youtube revenues. Come to think of it, that’s a great way to fund a renovation.
7. Only two wheels required. Perhaps rubber is easier to clean from a cement arena floor than hardwood. Shortly after he begins, The Legend almost seems to notice he’s worn the wrong shoes to gym class, because he starts picking up every other wheel.
6. No wheel required. Young dirt oval racer Kyle Larson doesn’t just know how to win a Chili Bowl race, he also knows how to celebrate.
5. No wheels spared. Ken Block doesn’t really strike you as a penny pincher. He can’t really be blamed to finishing off his tires after Gymkhana 3, because who wants to haul them back from France? But the wheels, Ken. We 99%ers just cringe. Until we see the sparks. Then we’re okay.
4. Win fans, if not the race. Rally cars don’t get the benefit of appearing on screen for a significant portion of any of their races. So how do you drum up sponsorship and keep fans excited about your team? Give them what they want.
3. Free lawn care. Because when every member of every pit crew comes out to congratulate you for winning the Daytona 500 after a 20 year career, there’s nobody left to yell at you for messing up the grass.
2. Cloud factory. Last year a bunch of car clubs gathered 75 RWD cars with disposable tires to the Infineon Speedway parking lot, then set them loose to do 75 consecutive, simultaneous donuts. They got the Guinness World Record. Nothing can be wrong with this.
1. Win fans and the race. Australian V8 Supercars champion Jamie Whincup locked his brakes up on the 9th lap of last year’s Symmons Plains race, but pulled out of the hiccup with a perfect donut, only dropping from 3rd to 5th. He went on to win the race.