Well, we had a good run, folks. But after 237 years of independence, it looks like Kim Jong Un is going to nuke us to Tuesday. Most of us will be instantly vaporized, but those of us with appropriate bunkers/caves/abandoned limestone mines (duh) will survive this to one day furtively glance out of our lead-lined hatches and see a ravaged and immolated America.
Obviously, the first thing to do will be to form up small, tight-knit communities and build sheet-metal castles around our surviving oil derricks to ward off the creepy gangs of sado-masochists who will inevitably show up to take them from us. And we’ll still need to run errands. So here are a few cars we’ve decided will be best for rolling around in after the fire falls.
Ford F-150 – You may be a Chevy or Dodge fan now, but you won’t be as picky when most of America’s trucks have been reduced to ashy piles of irradiated mess. The F-150 is the best-selling vehicle in America, so it’s more likely that a few of them will survive. Finding parts should be relatively easy, preventing most crazed gyrocopter pilots from trying to steal them from you. There’s enough room for your family, the precious books you’re guarding with your life, and your gunner. And you won’t worry about keeping it tuned up, so there’s no need to ever break those pesky spark plugs.
Volkswagen Beetle – Clean water will be relegated to drinking, so having an old air-cooled Beetle won’t tax that resource. Like the F-150, Beetles are pretty ubiquitous, though you may have to trek south of the border to find a good one. Also, you can replace the fan belt in five seconds, literally, so if you get a big enough lead, General Bethlehem won’t be able to catch you while you change it. Plus, the whole of the country will be a wasteland, you can “easily” convert your bug to a desert racer and go bombing around. (Don’t call it that, though. Too soon.)
Ford Crown Victoria – The timeless Crown Vic went out of production last year, but the Panther Platform cars were built for 32 years. Ford put together 9.6 million of them, probably more than all the surviving people in America. With all the cabs and cop cars, it’s unlikely you’ll stumble across any desolate skeleton of a city in on whole continent that doesn’t have at least a few of these in her fleet. They’re RWD, take a long, long time to die, and can be repaired with a Kevlar helmet and a charred human femur. Many of them already have the necessary grille guards and push-bars, too. Surprisingly, they’re even good off-road.
Chevy Chevelle – Of course, Crown Vics aren’t fast. Even the best Interceptors only made 250 hp. If we’ve learned anything in school, we know that no one in radioactive desert-America will respect you unless you have a proper muscle car. And what could be more proper than the second gen Chevelle? We’re not sure there’s any car ever built that looks more like it’s searching for a reason to beat the living crap out of you. Throw in a burnt-matte paint job and open headers coming out of the hood, and Humungus himself wouldn’t screw with you. Hopefully you can find one with the 454, but a former resto-mod with a dime-a-dozen 350 SBC might be easier to service when we’re not around anymore to provide you with cams and such.
Mack Granite – All of this assumes, of course, that your enemies will be human. But if from the ashes of civilization should rise an army of deathless corpses, ripped Austrian robots, or mutant dinosaurs, you’ll need something to plow through them all. We suggest a plow. The Mack Granite is extremely awesome, boasting up to 1,760 lb-ft of diesel torque from its MP8 engine, but your local municipality’s roadworks garage should have a few old snow trucks laying around. You can convert yours to biodiesel and run it on pig dung, weld on some armor plating, and go to town. Without getting killed. The Granite is available in 4WD, too, so you won’t get stuck in the ash drifts. Best of all, there’s a big, caged salt box in the back where you can store your hopes and dreams for a normal life.
There are, of course, several other candidates. We’d love to hear yours. Let’s pool our knowledge in the comments now before it’s too late.